Archive for the ‘Help for Families’ Category
Parenting Time (Visitation)
(An excerpt from the Community Education booklet Family Law in Oregon)
The laws about child parenting time apply to both married and unmarried parents. For unmarried parents, paternity must be established before parenting time can be ordered.
(See Questions 50 through 63 of the booklet Family Law in Oregon for information about establishing paternity.)
Who gets parenting time rights?
The parent who does not have custody gets some sort of parenting time rights except in unusual situations. See “Can court-ordered parenting time rights be denied or restricted?” below. Grandparents and other people who have a substantial relationship with the child can also get visitation rights in some situations.
How are parenting time rights decided?
Parenting time rights are usually decided as part of a divorce or custody case. Parenting time rights are often part of restraining order booklet.*cases. See Questions 9, 10, and 12 of the Family Law in Oregon
If you can come to an agreement with the other parent on your own or through mediation, the judge will probably make your parenting plan part of the final order. See Question 70*. If you can’t come to an agreement, the judge will decide.
Do I need a court order if I have an agreement with the other parent about parenting time?
Usually, a court order is a good idea. If the parent with custody stops the visits, only a court order can be enforced.
How much parenting time does the parent without custody get?
Judges in many cases will give two weekends each month, some holidays, and approximately one month in the summer. But the amount of parenting time ordered depends on facts such as the age of the child and the distance between the parents’ homes. In restraining order cases, parenting time may be more limited.
For more information about parenting time, including “safety-focused parenting plans,” go to the OJD Family Law website** and click on “Parenting Plan Information.”
Can court-ordered parenting time rights be denied or restricted?
You must obey the court order that sets out the other parent’s court-ordered
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Parenting Time (Visitation)
Community Education Series 2010 2
parenting rights. If you deny parenting time, a judge might find you in contempt of court, which can have serious results. If you have immediate concerns about the safety of your child should parenting time take place, you can contact a lawyer for advice or make a report to the police or to the Department of Human Services’ Child Welfare Program. You also can ask the court to change the terms of the court ordered parenting time by filing court papers. See “How do I change the terms of parenting time?” below. It is helpful to have witnesses to the other parent’s behavior that you believe is putting your child in danger.
Do I have to make my children go on visits if they don’t want to?
Your children should go on visits that a court has ordered, even if they don’t want to go. You should try to find out why your child does not want the visits and you should try to work out the problems by talking to the other parent (if that is safe) or through counseling. In rare cases a judge might change the parenting plan. See “How do I change the terms of parenting time?” below.
Can I deny parenting time to the other parent if child support is not paid?
No. You must give the other parent the parenting time ordered in the divorce or custody judgment even if child support is not being paid.
Do I have to let my child visit the other parent out of state? If so, who pays travel expenses?
In most cases you must let the child visit out of state unless the order limits the visit to within the state. The divorce or custody judgment may state who pays travel expenses. If there is nothing in the court order about who pays travel costs, the person who asks for the visiting time may end up paying. You also may agree to share the costs.
What should I do if my child’s other parent denies parenting time that the court gave me?
You should first try to talk to the other parent to try to work out the problem if you can do this safely.
If that fails, you can file papers with the court complaining about the denial of parenting time. Every county has a special hearing procedure to handle parenting time problems. Go to the circuit court clerk’s office and ask for the parenting time enforcement forms. The court will schedule a hearing within 45 days. Some counties will require you to attend mediation first. (See Question 70* about mediation.) At the hearing, the judge can make an order to try to make sure the parent with custody gives you the parenting time the court ordered; one or more different types of court orders could be issued. You should not need a lawyer to file the papers or to go to the hearing with you.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Parenting Time (Visitation)
Community Education Series 2010 3
If nothing else works, you should get a lawyer so you can ask the judge for an order holding the custodial parent in contempt of court. The rules and paperwork in these “contempt” cases are complicated. The judge can order penalties until the other parent allows visits.
You cannot stop making child support payments on your own just because parenting time was denied. But you can ask a judge to free you from paying child support until you get your visits. Judges do not like to stop child support payments, and they will only do so if there is proof that you have had very serious problems getting parenting time.
Can the parent with custody move out of state with the children? Can that parent then deny the other parent parenting time?
A parent with custody can move out of state with the children unless this is forbidden by a divorce or custody judgment or other court order. Most custody orders contain a provision requiring a parent who moves more than 60 miles away to give the other parent reasonable notice of the move and to send a copy of the notice to the court. A parent who moves has no right to deny parenting time to the other parent. You or the other parent may need to ask the court to change the parenting time order to take the move into account. See “How do I change the terms of parenting time?” below. A parent who is denied parenting time with children who live out of state may need to talk to a lawyer about the best way to enforce parenting time. Except in emergency situations, courts in other states must honor parenting time terms that were ordered by an Oregon court.
How do I change the terms of parenting time?
You may be able to reach an agreement in mediation which could then be approved by a judge as a court order. You may need to file court papers asking for a change in the original parenting time order. Self-help forms to modify (change) parenting time are available online at the OJD Family Law website**.
To get the parenting time terms changed, you need to prove to the judge that it is best for the children if the parenting time terms are changed. You do not need to show that there has been a change from the way things were at the time of the first order.
If you file papers to enforce the parenting time the court ordered (See “What should I do if my child’s other parent denies parenting time that the court gave me?” above), you can ask the judge at the hearing to change the parenting plan. At that hearing, the judge can change parenting time, but cannot change custody.
See the Family Law in Oregon booklet on www.oregonlawhelp.org*
** See the OJD family law website: http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/OSCA/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/index.page?
6-10
“Child Custody,” An excerpt from the Community Education booklet Family Law in Oregon
Child Custody:
An excerpt from the Community Education booklet Family Law in Oregon
The laws on custody of children apply to both married and unmarried parents. For unmarried parents, paternity must be established before custody can be ordered.
(See Questions 50 through 63 of the Family Law in Oregon booklet for information about establishing paternity.)
If I am married, how can I get a court order that gives me custody of my children?
If you are filing for divorce, you can ask in your petition that permanent custody be awarded to you in the divorce judgment.Once you have filed for divorce, you can ask for a temporary order that gives you custody until the divorce is final. See Questions 25 and 47 of the .*Family Law in Oregon booklet
If you are afraid of your spouse because of physical abuse or threats of physical abuse against you within the last six months, you should be able to get temporary custody as part of a Family Abuse Prevention Act restraining order. See Questions 9, 10, 12 and 78*.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 2
In a divorce or restraining order case, the court can make custody decisions only if your children have lived in Oregon for 6 months, need emergency protection, or in some special situations when they have ties to the state.
If I am not married to the other parent of my children, how can I get a court that gives me custody of my children?
You can file a lawsuit to get a court order that will establish custody as well as parenting time and child support. Forms are available at the **OJD Family Law website.
Once the lawsuit is filed, you can ask for a temporary order that gives you custody until a final order is entered.
If you are afraid of the other parent because of physical abuse or threats of physical abuse against you within the last six months, you should be able to get temporary custody as part of a Family Abuse Prevention Act Restraining Order. See Questions 9, 10, 12, and 78*. Forms are available at the OJD Family Law website**.
In custody or restraining order cases, the court can make custody decisions only if your children have lived in Oregon for 6 months, need emergency protection, or in some special situations when they have ties to the state.
How is custody decided?
Legal custody means having the legal responsibility for caring for a child. The divorce judgment or court order will usually say who gets custody. Either parent (or both) can get custody. If the parents agree between themselves on custody, they can avoid a long and expensive court case. But if they can’t agree, the judge will hear both sides and decide what’s best for the child, not the parents. The judge will consider many factors such as:
1) Which parent has been the children’s primary caregiver;
2) Emotional ties of the children to parents and other family members;
3) Attitude of the parents towards the child;
4) Whether one parent has physically or sexually abused the other. The law assumes it is not best for the child to be in the custody of a parent who has abused the other parent;
5) Whether one parent is more likely to help the other parent keep a close relationship with the children. The judge won’t consider this if one parent shows that the other parent has been abusive and that a continuing relationship with the children would be dangerous for either the parent or the children;
6) Any criminal record of the parents;
7) The parents’ emotional stability;
Home environment;
9) The child’s age, sex, and health; and
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 3
10) Whom the child wishes to be with (if the child is old enough to make a good decision).
If one parent has abused the other, the court must assume that the abusive parent should not have joint or sole custody of the child. That assumption can be challenged with evidence that it is in the best interests of the child that the abusive parent have custody.
Judges will often award permanent legal custody to the parent who has had physical custody of the child. Judges do not like to change the living situation of a child who is doing well.
What kinds of custody arrangements are possible?
• One parent gets legal custody of the children. The other gets parenting time (visitation) rights. This is the arrangement in most cases.
• Both parents have joint custody. With joint custody, all or most decision-making about the child is shared. Joint custody does not mean that the child must spend equal or substantial time in each parent’s home. A joint custody order can say that one parent’s home is the child’s primary home and that the other parent gets parenting time. Child support can still be awarded if there is joint custody. In Oregon a court cannot order joint custody unless both parents agree to all the terms.
• In families with more than one child, one or more children live with one parent and one or more children live with the other parent. (This is sometimes called “split” custody.) Judges usually don’t order this kind of custody arrangement. They are worried that it may be harmful to the children to separate them.
• Rarely, a nonparent can be awarded custody in a divorce, or in a separate lawsuit. See “How can a nonparent get legal custody of my child?” below.
What is “parenting time?”
“Parenting time” is a term that courts use in place of “visitation.” Parenting time means court-ordered contact between the parent who does not have custody and the child.
What is a “parenting plan?”
A parenting plan is the part of a court order that deals with custody and parenting time. All orders about custody must include parenting plans. Parenting plans may have detailed terms or general terms. Parenting plans usually must establish a minimum amount of parenting time for the parent who does not have custody.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 4
What if my spouse and I can’t agree about custody of our children?
The judge usually will order both of you to participate in mediation services. In general, mediation means one or more private counseling sessions in which a trained person tries to help you and your spouse reach an agreement about your children. A separate mediation orientation is sometimes required as a first step and is where the mediation process is explained.
When mediation is required, a waiver of the requirement can be requested if there is a good reason such as domestic violence. You also can talk to the mediator about abuse. Mediators should take the family abuse into account when deciding whether and how to mediate a case.
For more information about mediation and any costs involved, contact the family law clerks at the courthouse in your county.
What is a custody study?
The judge might also order a custody or parenting time study. This is an evaluation of the parents by a trained counselor or psychologist who will make his or her recommendations available to the judge. Very few counties offer a free evaluation. Usually, a custody or parenting time study is not ordered unless one or both parents can afford the cost. The judge can order either parent or both parents to pay for the cost of the custody study.
Without mediation or a study, it is up to you and your spouse (or your attorneys, if you have them) to settle on custody terms. If you cannot agree, the judge will decide at a trial.
My opposite-sex partner and I have a child together. If we split up, what are my rights concerning our child?
With unmarried couples, the answer depends on whether the father is legally recognized as the child’s parent. If paternity has not been established, the mother has legal custody but she cannot get a child support order. The father has no enforceable custody or parenting time rights. See Questions 50 through 63* for information about paternity. If paternity has been established, unmarried parents usually have the same rights and responsibilities toward their child that married parents have — custody, parenting time, and child support. See Questions 64 through 135*.
At the time you and your partner separate, you may want to file a court case to determine who has custody, a parenting time schedule, and child support terms. Forms and instructions are available at the OJD Family Law website**.
My same-sex partner and I have a child but I am not the biological parent. What are my parental rights?
In same-sex partnerships, the non-biological parent of a child born during the relationship can have parental rights in certain circumstances. To determine whether such rights exist, or how they may be established, you should consult with an attorney.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 5
Can the judge deny a parent custody just because he or she is a homosexual?
No. A judge cannot consider a parent’s lifestyle in making a custody determination unless the lifestyle causes emotional or physical damage to the child. If you or your partner’s homosexuality will be brought up in a custody case, you should consider hiring a lawyer.
How can a nonparent get legal custody of my child?
Sometimes a judge will grant legal custody to a nonparent, usually a relative, such as a grandparent or stepparent who has been living with your child and providing day-to-day care on a regular basis. Judges tend to award custody to third parties only if the judge finds that there are very good reasons not to give custody to the natural parents.
A nonparent can request custody in your divorce case, any other court case involving the child’s custody (such as guardianship, or where juvenile court or the Child Welfare Program of the Department of Human Services is involved), or in a separate lawsuit. These are sometimes called “psychological parent” cases. Usually, a judge cannot award custody to a nonparent unless that person has filed legal papers that ask for custody. Because the law in this area is complicated, it is a very good idea to talk to an attorney for advice.
Without a custody order, what rights do I have?
Married parents have equal rights to have custody of the child until a court order changes this. If your child lives with you, you may be able to work out many day-to-day issues about your child. You cannot force your spouse to return your child after a visit, or enforce any other agreement, unless you have a court order.
When parents are unmarried and paternity has not been established, the mother has legal custody and the father has no custody or parenting time rights. When parents are unmarried and paternity has been established by signatures on the birth certificate or in a lawsuit (often handled by the Division of Child Support or the District Attorney), custody might have been granted by the law to the parent who is the child’s physical caretaker, even though no court order says so. If paternity has been established and there is no law or court order giving one parent custody, both parents have equal rights to custody. See Question 58*.
Can I get legal custody before my divorce or other custody case is final?
Maybe. See Question 47*.
Can I represent myself in a custody dispute?
Yes, but it is a good idea to get a lawyer. If the other parent has a lawyer, you probably will need one.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 6
Can I get custody without filing for divorce or bringing a separate custody case?
If you have been a victim of abuse within the last six months, you may be able to get an emergency restraining order with custody under the Family Abuse Prevention Act. The court can make a custody decision only if your children have lived in Oregon for 6 months, need emergency protection, or in some special situations when they have ties to the state. See Questions 9, 10, and 12* for more information about restraining orders. These orders usually last for one year. But if the other parent requests a hearing, the judge might change custody or parenting time terms, depending on the evidence. You will eventually need a permanent decision about custody in a divorce or other custody lawsuit.
What rights do I have if I don’t have legal custody of my children?
Unless a court orders differently, a parent without legal custody has the right to know about how the child is doing in school and to have information about the child’s health. This is in addition to any court-ordered parenting time.
Can I get the police to help me get my child back if I had an agreement with the other parent about child custody?
Usually, the police will help you only if you have a court custody order. If you have filed for a divorce and reached even a temporary agreement, it is a good idea to have the judge approve the agreement and make it a court order.
If I have legal custody, do I have to tell the other parent that I’m moving?
Not if you’re moving less than 60 miles farther from the other parent (unless a court order says you have to give notice even for this short move). Usually, custody orders other than restraining orders require a parent moving more than 60 miles farther away to tell the other parent and the court. But you don’t have to give this notice if you can show the judge that you have a good reason not to.
If I have legal custody, can I move out of Oregon with my children?
You should be able to move out of state with your child unless a custody order or protective order (see Question 47*) says that you cannot. If a court order gives the other party the right to visit the child and moving means those visits cannot happen, you could be in violation of the court order. But even if there are no restrictions in your orders, the other parent can stop you from moving the child by getting a new court order at the time of the move. A judge will order a parent not to move the child if the judge finds that the move would not be in the best interest of the child. You must still allow court-ordered parenting time to the other parent if you move. Some adjustments may have to be made, and a court will need to decide if the parents can’t agree.
Legal Aid Services of Oregon and Oregon Law Center Child Custody
Community Education Series 2010 7
Can a custody order be changed?
Yes, if the parent without custody proves something happened to make it necessary to change custody — for example, the child was neglected or abused since the time of the last custody order. If there are no new problems in the child’s home, the judge probably will not change a custody order even if the parent without custody can now provide a “better” home.
Can I do anything to prevent my child from going to the other parent when I die?
Your child’s custody usually goes to the other parent if you die. However, if another person files for guardianship of your child after your death, the judge may consider your wishes. Often this is done in a will. You can speak to a lawyer about the best way state your wishes about custody.
* See the Family Law in Oregon booklet on www.oregonlawhelp.org.
See the OJD Family Law website: http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/OSCA/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/index.page?
WHERE ARE THE FAMILY LAW STATUTES AND TRIAL COURT
RULES?
The main family laws are contained in the Oregon Revised Statutes (ORS), Chapters
107-109. You may look at copies of these statutes, the Uniform Trial Court Rules, or
the Supplementary Local Trial Court Rules at your county law library. The law librarian
can help you find the books you want and explain how to use the books. The law librarian cannot give
you legal advice. If you want to copy any of the materials in the library, bring money in small bills to
pay for the copies. The law library cannot make change for large bills. The family law statutes are also
available on the internet at http://www.leg.state.or.us/ors/ under Oregon Revised Statutes, see
Chapters 107-109. Uniform Trial Court Rules are available on the internet at
http://www.ojd.state.or.us/programs/utcr. The Supplementary Local Rules for your county may also be
found on the Oregon Judicial Department website.
DO YOU NEED AN ATTORNEY?
Although the judge will hear cases not involving attorneys, you should try to get the assistance
of an attorney. The judge cannot give you legal advice. An attorney can help you with complicated
issues such as spousal support (alimony), custody, parenting time, and division of marital property,
including retirement benefits. If the other party has an attorney, you may be at a disadvantage if you
try to represent yourself.
WHERE CAN YOU FIND AN ATTORNEY?
LAWYER REFERRAL SERVICE: The Oregon State Bar can give you the number of an
attorney in your area who does family law cases and who will give you a one-time in-office
appointment for no more than $35.00. Call (800) 452-7636 toll free, or if in Portland (503)
684-3763. You may be eligible for the Modest Means Program which offers legal
assistance at a reduced rate in some cases. Call the same phone numbers as above for an
application.
LEGAL AID: You may be able to obtain legal help from Legal Aid Services of Oregon. See your
phone book for numbers or information is available on their website: www.Oregonlawhelp.org.
OTHER LEGAL HELP: Some attorneys may be willing to work on a sliding fee scale based on your
income or to provide you with limited legal assistance, sometimes called “unbundled legal services.”
An attorney who does this will represent you on only a part of your case, not for the entire matter; for
example, to review forms, to give you “coaching” before a hearing, or to do some research on a
particular issue. The cost to you is less than the cost of full representation. For referrals to such
attorneys, contact the Oregon State Bar (800) 452-7636 or your local court. Most courts have “family
law facilitation programs” where court staff provide help, but not legal advice, to people without
attorneys. The family law facilitator may have a list of local attorneys who provide low-cost
or unbundled legal services. You may also want to check the yellow pages of the phone
book.
WHAT IF YOU CANNOT FIND AN ATTORNEY?
Many forms are online at www.ojd.state.or.us/familylaw or may be on the Circuit Court
website for your county. Your court may also have a Family Law Resource Center or a
Family Law Facilitator. If so, the staff may answer questions about the forms in some family law
matters and explain how to file papers in the Circuit Court. Staff members are only allowed to review
and notarize your court forms. They cannot give legal advice. An attorney is the only person who
can advise you of your legal rights or tell you what is best for you in your individual situation.
If you do not contact an attorney, or are unable to find one to represent you, you should begin
preparing your case.
-2-
ALTERNATIVES TO TRIAL
PREPARING FOR TRIAL
If you and the other party work out an agreement before trial, either by yourselves or with the help of
an attorney or mediator, you will need to prepare a document called a “stipulated” judgment (a court
order) that sets out your agreement. A mediator is a third person trained to help the parties reach a
settlement during confidential discussions. Court-connected mediation services in your county may be
free. Private mediators not connected with the court are also available for hire in many communities.
For certain family matters, especially cases involving parents and teens, local community mediation
centers may be helpful. You will go to trial on any issues you and the other party can not agree on.
WHAT IS A TRIAL?
A trial is a fact-finding process before a judge and where the
final decisions are made in your case. There is no jury in a family law
trial. The reason a trial is held is because you and the other party
cannot agree on important issues.
Trials are open to the public. You may want to watch a family law trial in the courtroom of
your assigned judge so you can see what a trial is like.
WHEN AND WHERE IS THE TRIAL?
The “Notice of Scheduled Court Proceeding” you received will tell you the courtroom, day and
time of your trial. You may also call the Circuit Court and ask the clerk for the date of your trial. You
must pass through metal detectors at the courthouse. Knives, weapons and pepper spray are not
allowed. Each courtroom has a list of cases that are to be heard that day posted outside
its doors.
WHEN SHOULD YOU GO TO THE COURTHOUSE?
Arrive early enough to give yourself time to find the courtroom, meet with your
witnesses, and get organized. You should plan to arrive at least 30 minutes before your trial. If you go
into the courtroom early, be quiet and polite to the court and other people who are having a case heard
by the judge.
Another reason to arrive early is so that you can pay the fee if you want your court proceeding
recorded. Most Oregon courts now use electronic systems for recording trials. You may be required to
pay a fee prior to your court appearance if you want it recorded. If the trial is not recorded, you may be
giving up your right to file an appeal if you do not like or do not agree with the judge’s decision.
CAN YOU RESCHEDULE THE COURT DATE?
If you do not come to the trial, the other party may win. If there is a serious reason why you
cannot go to trial on the scheduled date, call the other party and the Circuit Court clerk right away. You
will have to make a written request to the court to have the trial rescheduled. You must give the other side
or their attorney, if they have one, a copy of your request.
-3-
WITNESSES
WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR TO THE TRIAL?
Wear clean, neat clothing such as you would wear to an important job interview. Do not wear
shorts, jeans, half-shirts, tank tops, sneakers, very high heels, sandals, or anything that is too tight, too
short, low-cut, or shows your stomach.
DO YOU OR YOUR WITNESSES NEED ACCOMMODATIONS?
Do you or any of your witnesses need an interpreter? The court will provide a certified
interpreter to help you in court. If you or any of your witnesses have difficulty hearing, the
courts have electronic devices to help you with that. If you or any of your witnesses need
other help for disabilities, call the Trial Court Administrator or clerk’s office. Call the court as
soon as you know an interpreter or special equipment is needed. Try to do this at least four (4) days
before the trial.
ARE YOU OR YOUR WITNESSES CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY IN
COURT?
Your local court probably has metal detectors and law enforcement officers stationed at the
courthouse. If you want a law enforcement officer in the courtroom during the trial, call the court clerk well
before the trial. You may also ask to have someone walk with you to your car after the trial.
DO YOU NEED WITNESSES BESIDES YOURSELF?
Witnesses are people with first hand knowledge about important things you
need to prove in your case. For example, if custody of your children is contested, you must prove it is in
the best interests of the children to be with you. People who have seen you together with your children
and know how well you take care of your children may help the judge make this decision. Is there a
witness to the other party’s poor parenting or abuse of your children? Make sure that a witness will help
your case before you ask them to come to the trial. Talk to them first to find out what they know. Call
them well before the trial so that they can make plans to be there on that day.
HOW DO YOU GET THE WITNESSES YOU NEED TO COME TO COURT?
You may want the statement of a witness who is important for your case, but does not want to
come to court. Unless witnesses are under subpoena, they do not have to show up for court. A subpoena
is an order from the court to appear at a trial. Often, witnesses need a subpoena to show their employer
why they need to be gone from work. Forms for a subpoena are available in the Circuit Court clerk’s
office. Unless the witness waives the right to payment, you must pay each witness a fee of $30.00 per
day plus mileage at the rate of $.25 per mile.
-4-
YOU MAY NOT TALK TO THE JUDGE ABOUT YOUR CASE
OUTSIDE OF THE COURTROOM
The judge cannot talk to you about your case except in the presence of the
other party, or with their permission.
WHAT IF YOUR WITNESS CANNOT COME TO COURT?
The judge will make decisions in the case by listening to witnesses who testify under oath. The
judge cannot use letters, affidavits, or other written statements instead of personal testimony unless the
other party agrees.
You may be able to have your witness testify by telephone during the trial but you will need the
judge’s permission and would have to follow Oregon laws. You must file a motion with the Circuit Court
and serve a copy on the other party or his/her attorney before the trial.
SHOULD YOUR CHILDREN COME TO COURT?
In almost all cases, children are not needed as witnesses at trial. Think carefully
before asking children to be witnesses against the other parent. The experience can
be very upsetting. You will not be able to watch your children during the trial, and they
may not be allowed to remain in the courtroom. Since they can be noisy, young
children especially should be left at home with a babysitter or relative.
Even if you decide that you must call your child as a witness, you should have
someone who can watch the child when he/she is not on the witness stand testifying.
WHAT OTHER EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED?
You may also need written evidence to prove your case. This can include photos, pay stubs,
income tax returns, bank statements, proof of medical insurance for the children, medical bills, other bills
and debts, pension or retirement plan documents, or letters from the other party discussing issues
important to your case.
If you plan to show these documents to the judge, you must provide a copy to the other party.
Also you should ask the judge’s clerk for help “marking” the exhibits.
The judge may not allow you to submit certain items as evidence if the other party objects and
the judge rules that, based on the Oregon Evidence Code, the evidence is not admissible. The
Oregon Evidence Code is in the Oregon Revised Statutes at Chapters 40 to 45.
(www.leg.state.or.us/ors/vol1.html).
DO YOU NEED TO FILE INFORMATION WITH THE COURT BEFORE TRIAL?
Uniform Trial Court Rule 8.010 requires that you prepare and file a statement listing all of the marital
assets and their fair market value, your debts and liabilities, and your suggestions for dividing those
assets, debts and liabilities.
You must also prepare and file a “Uniform Support Affidavit” if child or spousal support
(alimony) is or could be an issue.
These forms are available on the Internet at www.ojd.state.or.us/familylaw.
-5-
AT THE TRIAL
HOW SHOULD YOU ACT AT THE TRIAL?
• Be on time. Bring all papers or exhibits that you need for your
trial. You may use written notes during the trial.
• No food or drinks are allowed in the courtroom. Do not chew gum or tobacco. Take off hats.
• Turn off cell phones and pagers.
• Stand when the judge comes into the courtroom.
• Sit down when the judge or clerk asks you to sit.
• Be polite to everyone. Do not interrupt anyone during the trial. Stop talking when the judge talks.
• Talk only when it is your turn. When you address the judge, you should stand up.
• The judge may ask you questions. If you do not understand the question, tell the judge. Do not
answer a question unless you understand what is being asked.
• If you do not know the answer to a question, say so. Don’t guess.
• Take your time answering questions and explain your answer if you think it will be helpful.
• Be honest with the judge. If the judge thinks you are being dishonest about some things, he may
not believe the rest of what you have to say.
• Don’t repeat what’s already been said.
• Be brief when you can.
• Don’t argue with the judge or anyone else.
• Address everyone in the courtroom formally, calling them “Ms. Jones” or “Mr. Smith,” rather than
using first names.
• When you speak to the judge, call him or her, “Your Honor.”
• Be calm. Stick with the facts. Do not lose your temper.
• If you are not sure what to do during the trial, ask the court clerk or the judge.
• Your witnesses and people in the audience must be quiet during the trial, except when it is time
for them to testify. You and they should not react to what witnesses and the judge say by talking
or making faces.
• Remember, the judge cannot talk to you about your case, except when your case is being heard
in the courtroom when the other party is present.
.
WHAT IS THE LAYOUT OF THE COURTROOM?
The “bench” is where the judge sits. The court reporter, if present, will sit in front of the judge. The
judge’s clerk usually will sit at the front or to the side of the judge. There will be at least two tables in front
of the bench. You will sit at one of these tables when your name is called. Only parties and attorneys may
sit at the tables unless the court allows otherwise.
Your witnesses will sit in the audience section or outside the courtroom until they are needed. The place
where witnesses testify is called the “witness stand.” It is next to the bench. Sometimes the judge will tell
you that you can testify from your seat at the table.
WHO WILL BE AT THE TRIAL?
• The judge and staff (perhaps including the court reporter).
• A deputy sheriff, if security staff has been assigned.
• The other party.
• Witnesses
• Attorneys, if any.
• There may be a number of other people in the courtroom. They may be waiting for their own case to
be heard, or they may be watching court cases.
-6-
HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHEN THE TRIAL BEGINS?
The judge or clerk will call your case. Stand and let them know you are there, then
wait for further instructions.
WHAT HAPPENS AT THE TRIAL?
Opening Statement:
The judge may ask you and the other party to give an “opening statement.” This is when you tell the
judge about your case, what you want and why the judge should do what you ask.
Presenting Your Case:
• The petitioner (the person who filed the case) goes first. Then the respondent (the person who
responded) goes next. You should have a written list of everything you need to prove, and how you are
going to prove it by using witnesses and documents.
• If you do not have a lawyer, you will be allowed to tell the judge (“testify”) on your own what has
happened, and why you should get what you asked for in the Petition or Response. The judge may ask
you some questions. When you have finished testifying, the other side has a chance to “cross-examine”
(ask) you about what you told the judge. Once the other party or their attorney has finished crossexamining
you, you will have the chance to explain anything that was brought up in the crossexamination.
Testify only about what you know; do not guess. If you do not know the answer, say so.
• When it is your turn to present your case, you may call your witness/es. They will be sworn in;
then you may begin questioning them. You should have written down the questions you want to ask.
Make your questions short and to the point. Do not argue with the witnesses. It is important that you are
asking questions and not making statements. When you have asked all your questions, the witness will
be cross-examined by the other side. You may be allowed to ask more questions of the witness to follow
up on their answers. Ask the judge if you are allowed to ask a witness more questions.
• When the other side calls its witnesses, you will be able to question those witnesses. Ask
questions; this is not another chance for you to make statements.
• Once the respondent finishes his/her presentation, the judge may let the petitioner “rebut” or
contradict testimony or evidence presented by the other side. If so, the petitioner and/or other witnesses
can re-take the stand, or offer documents into evidence.
• During the testimony, if you want the judge to consider a document or some other piece of
physical evidence, you must “offer” it into evidence as an “exhibit.” You should have already given a
copy to the other side before the trial started. Ask the judge’s clerk to put an evidence sticker on your
document and number it. Tell the judge that you would like to “offer the exhibit into evidence” and be
prepared to tell the judge why it is important for him/her to read it. The other side may object. The judge
will decide whether to consider it.
• The other person may also offer exhibits. He or she should have shown them to you before trial.
If you believe the exhibit is irrelevant, misleading, unreliable or otherwise improper, tell the judge.
-7-
IMPORTANT: You will not be divorced or separated, or have a custody order or any other
relief, until the FINAL JUDGMENT is signed by the judge.
Closing Argument and Final Judgment:
After all the testimony has been heard, the judge may not want to hear anything else. But the judge may
ask you to give a “closing argument” which is a summary of the testimony and evidence that supports your
requests to the court. If so, the other side will also be asked to give his or her view of the case.
The judge may make a ruling from the bench, or may take the case “under advisement” and send both
sides a letter explaining his/her decision. The judge will ask one of the parties to prepare an order/judgment.
You may already have the form in your packet, or they are available online or through your family law
facilitator’s office. Some attorneys can also help you to prepare a judgment.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO PROVE AT THE TRIAL?
Child Custody:
The custody decision is based on the best interests of the children. The judge cannot give preference to the
mother only because she is the mother or to the father only because he is the father. If the other side does
not agree with your request for custody, have witnesses available who can testify about the following
information:
• The emotional ties between the children and family members
• The party’s interest or attitude towards the children
• The desirability of continuing an existing relationship
• Whether one parent has abused the other
• Who is the primary care giver of the children
• Conduct, marital status, income, social environment or lifestyle of either party only if any of these
factors are causing or may cause emotional or physical damage to the children
• The presence of extended family members in the area
• The willingness and ability of a parent to facilitate and encourage a relationship between
the children and the other parent, if appropriate
Definitions and other information about types of custody and parenting time is available on the
Legal Aid Services of Oregon website at www.Oregonlawhelp.org,
Parenting Time:
If you and the other party have children, you should prepare and file a proposed
Parenting Plan outlining the time each parent should have with the children. If your county
has a model (sample) parenting time plan, copies are available from your local court. Guides with
information about creating parenting plans and sample plans are available on the Oregon Judicial
Department’s Family Law website at www.ojd.state.or.us/familylaw (click on the “Parenting Plan
Information” link). There is also information and forms for a “Safety-Focused Parenting Plan” if you are
concerned about you or your children’s safety.
If you want to the other parent to have a relationship with your children, but you have serious
concerns about the children’s safety if they are alone with the other parent, you may ask the judge to
order “supervised” parenting time.
-8-
Find out ahead of time if someone you trust is willing to supervise (watch) the other parent and your
children during their time together. Tell the judge who the supervisor will be so that if there is an order for
supervised parenting time, it will have the name of the agreed-upon supervisor on it. Your court’s family
law facilitator also may have information on agencies or individuals who are willing to supervise parenting
time. The following may support your request for supervised parenting time:
• The other parent has harmed or threatened harm to the children.
• The other parent has threatened to keep or hide the children.
• The other parent has a history of neglecting or physically or sexually abusing other children.
• The other parent lacks parenting skills or has had little contact with the children.
• The other parent leaves young children without supervision.
• The child is afraid of the other parent.
• The other parent has drug/alcohol or criminal problems that are a danger to the safety of the
children.
If the judge decides that there are some valid concerns, but not enough to order supervised parenting
time, you can ask the judge to make some conditions to keep the children safe, such as:
• The other parent cannot use drugs or alcohol before or during parenting time.
• The other parent must complete a parenting class or substance abuse program or mental health
counseling.
If the other parent has physically or sexually abused the children he/she had with you, the judge might
order that the other parent have no contact with the children. See information and forms for a “Safety-
Focused Parenting Plan” at www.ojd.state.or.us/familylaw. (Click on the “Parenting Plan Information” link.)
Child Support:
The Oregon Administrative Rules that apply to child support (Oregon Administrative Rules, Chapter
137, Divisions 50 and 55) are available on the Internet at www.dcs.state.or.us.
The judge will take into account the following basic issues, as well as others listed in the Oregon
Administrative Rules:
• All of the income (including potential likely income) of both parties
• Whether a party receives or pays spousal support (alimony)
• The availability and cost of medical insurance for the children
• Whether the parties have minor children with someone else
• Whether the children receive Veterans or Social Security benefits based on one or both of the
parent’s retirement or disability
• The number of joint children, where they each reside and the amount of overnight parenting time the
children have with the non-custodial parent
• The cost of child care related to a parent’s employment, job search, or training or education
necessary to obtain a job
• Continuing health costs for the joint children
The judge uses a formula set out in the law to calculate an amount the law presumes is appropriate.
The judge can increase or decrease this “presumed” amount if convinced by the evidence that it is fair to
do so.
Once you have the necessary financial information, you may access the child support calculators on
the Internet. The child support calculator is available online at www.dcs.state.or.us/calculator. Your
court’s family law facilitator may be able to refer you to resources to help you with your calculations. In
addition, your public library may have public computers that you may use.
-9-
The child support guidelines also let the court take into account other circumstances which may
either increase or decrease the child support amount. In the guidelines these are referred to as
“rebuttals.” For example, the judge may increase the support for a child who has special needs so that
each parent shares in the payment of costs for the child. The rebuttal factors are listed in ORS 25.280
(http://www.leg.state.or.us/ors/025.html) and the Oregon Administrative Rules Chapter 137, Division 50
(see above). You should look at both. If you include a rebuttal factor, you must be prepared to prove it is
true.
Spousal Support: (Alimony)
Spousal support is an order that one spouse pay money to the other, usually on a monthly basis, to
help that spouse with basic needs and to keep a standard of living similar to that existing during the
marriage. There are three types of spousal support:
1. Transitional Support
Transitional Support is designed to allow the person receiving support to obtain the education and
training needed to go back to work or get ahead in the job market. It is temporary support. The judge will
consider evidence (information) on the following issues:
• how long the marriage has lasted
• both parties’ training and employment skills
• both parties’ work experience
• financial needs and resources of each party
• tax consequences to each party
• both parties’ custodial and child support responsibilities
• any other factor the court considers fair
2. Compensatory Support
Compensatory support is meant to compensate (pay back) a party who has made a significant
financial or other contribution to the education, training, vocational skills, career or earning capacity of the
other party. The court may consider the following factors:
• how long the marriage has lasted
• amount, length and importance of the contribution
• relative earning abilities of each party
• how much the marital estate has already benefitted from the contribution .
• tax consequences to each party
• any other factor the court considers fair
3. Maintenance Support
Maintenance support is supposed to help a person financially for a definite or an indefinite period of time.
The court may look at the following factors:
• how long the marriage has lasted.
• age of the parties.
• health of the parties (physical, mental, emotional)
• standard of living (lifestyle) established during the marriage
• income and earning abilities of each of the parties
• training and employment skills
• both parties’ work experience
• financial needs and resources of each party
• tax consequences to each party
• both parties’ responsibilities to take care of and support the children
• any other factors the court considers fair
Be ready to give evidence (information) on each of the issues listed under the type of spousal support
you are requesting.
-10-
Property and Debts:
At the trial, the judge will divide the property and debts shared by you and the other party. The judge
will divide all property that you and the other party own, including land, houses, motor vehicles, home
furnishings, money in bank accounts, stocks and bonds, pensions and retirement benefits, etc. The judge
may even divide property owned by one party before the marriage or relationship began, although it is usually
given to the party who originally owned it.
The judge will also decide which party pays which debts. Even if only one of you made the purchase
during the marriage or relationship, the other party is usually also responsible for the debt and can be sued
by the creditor (the person to whom the debt is owed). The exceptions are for business expenses and loans
of money. If you and the other party were separated when one of you signed for the debt, the other party is
not responsible to the creditor unless the debt is for the children’s education, health, or support needs. You
should get the advice of a lawyer if retirement benefits, pensions, or real property (land or a house) will
be issues in your case because these involve very complicated legal issues.
You should support your proposal for dividing the property and debts by providing information and evidence
to the judge on questions such as the following:
• Where the property came from (gift, inheritance, purchase)
• If one of the parties owned it before the marriage
• If the parties kept their money in joint bank accounts
• How much money each party makes now and is expected to make in the future
• Whether it would make sense for a specific item to go to the parent with custody
• How much did the value of the property increase during the time the parties were together
IMPORTANT: Even if the judge says one party should pay a debt incurred by you while you were
together, each party remains responsible for making sure the debt gets paid. The creditor can seek payment
from either one of you and, if not paid, can file a lawsuit against you, the other party, or both of you, for the
unpaid amount. You may be able to get reimbursement from the party who was ordered to pay the debt in
the judgment by filing a case against the nonpaying party.
For more information about property and debt issues, talk to a lawyer or go to the Oregon State Bar’s
web site (www.osbar.org), click on “Public Information”, go to the “Family Law Index,” scroll down to the
section called “Oregon Legal Services Booklet: Family Law in Oregon” and read the section on “Property,
Debts and Taxes.”
Source: T: ProSeFacilitation/SFLACProSeSubc/Pro Se Brochure/Trial BrochureFINAL1-12-05 (Dec 2005
Children’s books about divorce suggested by and information written by: www.kidsturn.org
Books for 5 to 6-year olds
Charlie Anderson, Abercrombie, Barbara. Two girls who live with their mother adopt a cat who comes to their house every night. When he doesn’t appear one night, they go looking for him and discover that he has two homes where he is loved and cared for, just like they do.
Taxi Taxi. Little Brown, Best, Cari. This story features a young Latina girl whose parents don’t live together. Every Sunday, her father comes to visit in his bright yellow taxi.
Dinosaur’s Divorce, Brown, Laurene Krasny and Brown, Marc
Little. A family of dinosaurs provides the vehicle for helping children understand divorce, life with a single parent, visitation, living in two homes, relating to friends, and parents’ dating and remarriage. The book has a section to help children identify their own feelings about divorce, and emphasizes what children can do to help themselves. A non-threatening and captivating book with superb illustrations. (Note: This book is read by the 7-9-year-olds during Session 2.)
Boundless Grace, Hoffman, Mary. Grace, a young African-American girl, lives with her mother and grandmother. But one day, she gets to go to Africa to visit her father.
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear, Lansky, Vicki. Koko Bear learns what divorce means, how to deal with changes, how to recognize and deal with feelings, and that divorce is not Kokos fault. Each page includes tips for parents.
Tots Are Non-Divorceable, Bonkowski, Sara. A Workbook for Parents and Their Children (Birth to 5 years).
Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, Rogers, Fred. This book uses simple direct language in addressing the worries and questions of young children. Beautiful photographs depict culturally diverse families.
Daddy’s Roommate, Willhoite, Michael. This story’s narrator begins with his parents’ divorce and continues with the arrival of ‘someone new at Daddy’s house.’ The young boy discusses his father’s new living situation, in which the father and his gay roommate share eating, doing chores, playing, loving and living.
Good-Bye Daddy! , Weninger, Brigette. Tom hates it when Daddy leaves, until one night when his teddy bear whispers to him a story about a little bear who has problems just like his. Ages 4-8.
I Don’t Want to Talk About It, Ransom, Jeanie. A story comparing the child’s feelings to those of various animals; beautifully illustrated. Afterword for parents suggests how to help their children adjust. (Preview the book)
Mom and Dad Break Up, Prestine, Joan. This book is better for kids who remember their parents breaking up. Beautiful illustrations and descriptions of how kids feel.
Always My Dad, Wyeth, Sharon Dennis. A father whose visits are unpredictable but treasured reminds his family that, no matter where he is, he’s always dad. Beautiful illustrations of an African-American family. Ages 4-8.
Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore, Stinson, Kathy
Firefly Books, 1984. A simple text with effective illustrations portraying the feelings of a young girl.
When Daddy Comes to Visit, Burke, Maggie. A story in rhyme about the imaginary games a child plays when his father visits on Sundays.
Daddy, Caines, Jeannette. This is a warmly told story about the joys of a child’s visits with father and stepmother each Saturday. Although this book is not specifically about divorce, the loving and caring relationships portrayed in this African-American stepfamily offer the child reader a sense that he or she continues to be loved by his or her father after divorce and remarriage.
Books for 7 to 9-year olds
Priscilla Twice, Caseley, Judith.This book tells the story of a girl who feels split in half. It helps her understand in reassuring and even humorous ways that there is more than one kind of family.
Dear Mr. Henshaw, Cleary, Beverly. An award winning book about a 10-year old boy who writes letters to an unmet hero describing how he misses his father. Also available in Spanish. Ages 8-12.
Changing Families: A Guide for Kids and Grown-Ups, Fassler, David, Michele Lash, Sally Blakeslee Ives. This workbook is designed to be used by children and parents together. Through such activities as writing, drawing, and circling appropriate responses, children are able to express common thoughts and feelings about separation, divorce and stepfamilies.
My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned It Rightside Up, Field, Mary Blitzer and Hennie Share. This novel book tells the story of a young girl whose parents are divorced and how she handles the challenges of living in two places. On every other page she tells about a problem she had and when the reader flips the page, the next page tells how she solved it. Told with humor and sensitivity, this child’s feelings and concerns echo those of most children of divorce.
At Daddy’s on Saturday, Girard, Linda Walvoord. Fiction, 29 pp. This book is especially appropriate for children who have been told about separation plans in which they will live primarily with their mother and visit their father regularly. The book reassures children that they will have an ongoing relationship with the father after he moves out of the family home.
When Mom and Dad Separate, Hiegaard, Marge. In this book, children are encouraged to understand and express their feelings about separation and divorce through drawings. Space is reserved on each page for your child’s drawings.
Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce, Johnston, Janet, Karen Breunig, Carla Garrity and Mitchell Baris. This text contains 15 stories for school-age children dealing with various aspects of families being reorganized through the process of divorce. These stories help children cope through the use of allegory and the magical life of animals endowed with human emotions. Children find in these stories some answers to the issues they face in ways they can process and understand.
Megan’s Two Houses, Jong, Erica. Struggling with the many problems faced by children of divorced families, eight-year-old Megan tries to adjust to having two rooms, two pets, two sets of possessions, and two potential stepparents.
What Can I do? A Book For Children of Divorce, Lowry, Danielle. A short chapter book which follows Rosie from her parents’ announcement of their intent to divorce through her attempts to reunify them, and eventually to her finding help from her teacher and school counselor.
Why are We Getting a Divorce?, Mayle, Peter. In short, this book is packed with information that may be helpful for children. It puts divorce in perspective by addressing why people get married and have children, and how some parents come to the decision to divorce. It offers some ideas about the reorganizing family that are positive for children, such as having special time with each parent separately. It also encourages children to have some empathy for their parents, and to take responsibility for helping with household chores and caring for themselves. This book is an updated version of the author’s previous book, Divorce Can Happen to the Nicest People.
My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, Nightingale, Lois V., Ph.D. Fiction, 128 pp. This book presents the struggles of four children facing their own parents’ divorce and how they cope with the feelings and conflicts that inevitably arise. The enchanting fantasy story/workbook format helps children feel more comfortable dealing with a topic that many children find difficult to face, even when it is happening in their own family.
Don’t Make Me Smile, Park, Barbara. An eleven-year-old boy feels his life will never be the same again after his parents divorce; people try to cheer him up to no avail. He goes for professional counseling. Ages 8-12.
The Case of the Scary Divorce, Pickhardt, C.E. Fiction, 88pp. A ten-year old boy meets the mysterious ‘Professor Jackson Skye: Helping Investigator’ who enlists his aid in solving eight cases, each dealing with a problem he himself is experiencing during his parents’ divorce. Ages 9-12.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: How to feel at home in one home or two, Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. This is an upbeat,comprehensive and wise roadmap on divorce, stepfamilies, and self-care alive with tips, examples, exercises, stories, ways to solve problems, confidence builders, and ‘words to try’. It also sensitively addresses issues like violence, absent parents, some legal aspects, dating, and parent conflict.
Divorced But Still My Parents, Thomas, Shirley, Ph.D. and Dorothy Rankin. Fiction, 90pp. This book is designed to be read by children and their parents together. Alternates between the story of Kristin the kitten whose parents decide to divorce and lessons for children. The interactive workbook is perfect for children because it keeps their attention while they learn more about divorce and themselves. This book educates children about the divorce process, identifies and validates their feelings, and leads them through the grief process in an organized and compassionate way.
Families, Tax, Meredith. Non-fiction, 32 pp. This book is short, sweet and to the point. There are all kinds of families, and ‘the main thing isn’t where they live or how big they are… it’s how much they love each other.’ This book normalizes differences between many types of families, and is recommended for children who feel stigmatized by coming from a divorced family. It is culturally sensitive and the illustrations are great.
Books for 10 to 14-year olds
It’s Not the End of the World, Blume, Judy. This excellent book is the story of how a girl and her siblings react to their parents’ separation. Karen is concerned about how the family will manage financially and who will take care of them. She tries to get her parents to reconcile. Her 6-year-old sister develops fears of the dark and of being left alone. Her 14-year-old brother runs away for a few days. Karen meets another girl whose parents are divorced, and learns some new ways of coping from her.
Teens Are Not Divorceable: A Workbook for Divorced Parents and Their Teens, Bonkowski, Sara. An inviting format for teens. The author uses a non-judgmental attitude which helps her to tackle difficult topics such as adult dating and abuse. Ages 12-18.
The Divorce Express, Danziger, Paula. A 14-year-old girl lives in a joint parenting situation. Problems arise when her mom plans to marry. After Phoebe’s parents divorce she has to travel every Sunday to see her dad. Just when she thinks she has a handle on it all, her mom makes a decision that will change everything again. Ages 12-15.
This is Me and My Two Families, Evans, Marla D. An awareness scrapbook/journal for kids living in two separate families.
The Kids’ Book of Divorce: By, For and About Kids, Fayerweather Street School. Twenty children, aged 11-14, discuss various aspects of divorce including custody arrangements, parents’ boyfriends and girlfriends, how they were first told abut their parents’ divorce and how divorce has changed them.
Billie’s World, Finkel, Kim Grossman. A young girl’s journey through her parent’s surprising divorce and the challenges of being a preteen. This novel is based on the author’s experiences as a child of divorce. For more information visit www.myjourneybooks.com.
My Parents Are Divorced, Too, Ford, Melanie, Annie and Steven. Three stepsiblings in a blended family discuss their experiences, and those of friends, with divorce and remarriage. These young authors write about their own experiences frankly and clearly, in a way that can be understood by young readers. More than just a recounting of experiences it is a guidebook for getting adjusted to a new life, and a means for opening new avenues of communicate at a difficult time in everyone’s life. Ages 8-12.
Will Dad Ever Move Back Home?, Hogen, Paula Z. This book presents many of the emotions experienced by children in divorcing families. It also includes realistic life changes. The child learns how to share his or her feelings and the parents learn how to respond in helpful ways. Ages 9-12.
How to Survive Your Parents’ Divorce, Kimball, Gayle, Ph.D. 268 young people share how they coped with their parents’ divorce. Includes comments from 20 counselors who work with youth whose parents are divorcing. Illustrations, bibliography and resource lists.
Bad, Badder, Baddest, Voigt, Cynthia. Bad Girls Mikey and Margalo are now in the sixth grade. The plot centers on Mikey’s parents impending divorce and her plotting, with Margalo’s help, to prevent it – mainly so their own lives will not be disrupted by a move. Ages 9-12.
The Hatchet, Paulsen, Gary. Fiction. (In Spanish: El Hacha.) After a plane crash, thirteen-year old Brian spends fifty-four days in the wilderness, learning to survive with only the aid of a hatchet given him by his mother, and learning also to survive his parents’ divorce.
Books for Adolescents
How it Feels When Parents Divorce, Krementz, Jill. A sensitive view of the experiences of children, mostly adolescents, who were interviewed and photographed.
How to Get It Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart, Richards, Arlene & Irene Willis. A comprehensive ‘coping’ book that addresses those needing help with the stresses and confusion of parental divorce; includes an excellent section on legal aspects of divorce.
Solitary Blue, Voigt, Cynthia. A sophisticated sensitive story about a high school boy (Jeff) who resolves his feelings about his custodial father and absent mother. Jeff’s mother, who deserted the family years before, re-enters his life and challenges Jeff to overcome his pain about his family.
Contact us:
- 415.777.9977 PHONE
- 415.777.1577 FAX
- info@kidsturn.org
Book suggestions from and information written by: www.kidsturn.org for divorcing parents
Books for Parents
Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by San Francisco author, Mary Ellen Hannibal. Based on the Kids’ Turn Program, this parenting guide serves as a useful tool to help parents before, during or after participation in a Kids’ Turn workshop. An essential, comprehensive guide for parents, Good Parenting Through Your Divorce helps parents and their children adjust to a new family arrangement. Chapters on childhood development, discipline, healthy communication, and moving forward make this a complete treatment of a common but challenging experience.
The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, Ahrons, Constance R. Dr. Ahrons shows couples how they can move beyond the confusing, even terrifying early stages of breakup and learn to deal with the transition from a nuclear to a ‘binuclear’ family-one that spans two households and continues to meet the needs of children.
Children of Divorce: A Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation, Baris, Mitchell and Carla Garrity.
Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce, Garrity, Carla B. and Baris, Mitchell A. This book explains the nuances of how high-conflict divorce affects childrena and then provides concrete strategies for minimizing the damage.
Back in Control, Gregory Bodenhamer. This book was designed for parents who feel out of control with their kids. It teaches how to take back the control by using parental authority.
Parenting Teenagers, Denkmeyer and McKay. A guidebook for improving parent-teen relationships based on STEP/teen (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens). It is structured like a classroom textbook with summaries and tests at the end of each chapter.
Parents’ Handbook, Don Dinkmeyer Sr. Also based on STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens), this handbook offers a democratic philosophy about child training. It follows the same format as the book described above.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Farber and Mazlish. A basic yet effective step-by-step book which teaches parents how to communicate with kids. Cartoons and practice exercises help make this book fun, interactive, and easy to get through.
The Parents’ Book About Divorce, Richard A. Gardner M.D. This book provides extensive coverage of the many problems that parents must attend to when dealing with children’s reactions to separation and divorce. It gives detailed descriptions of how problems may come about, and offers ways to prevent them.
Between Parent and Child, Ginott. Although written in the early 60′s, this practical guide for talking to and dealing with your children is still useful today. It is clearly written, gives specific advice, and offers basic principles for raising children.
Between Parent and Teenager, Ginott. The second Ginott book was written in the late 60′s and is just as valuable as the first. In this book, Ginott offers straightforward advice about conflicts, communication, and understanding between parents and young adults.
Interventions for Children of Divorce Hodges. This book is intended to provide mental health professionals, lawyers and judges with principles for working with children of divorce, but it is also a valuable reference for parents. It touches on a wide range of areas related to divorce, and focuses on the legal aspects that affect families.
The New Creative Divorce, Mel Kantzler and Patricia Kantzler. The author of this book has led divorce seminars and dealt with divorce himself. He talks about coping with the trauma of divorce and the different phases one goes through in the process. He gives life after divorce an optimistic look by framing it as a renewal of life as a single person.
The Lesbian & Gay Parenting Handbook: Creating and raising our families, Martin, April, Ph.D. Drawing on in-depth interviews with families and sxperts and her own personal and professional experience, the author walks the reader through the many issues involved in forming and nurturing a lesbian or gay family.
Moms’ House, Dad’s House, Isolina Ricci Ph.D. In this step-by-step guide, divorced parents learn how to establish two homes for their children. The book takes into account various custody and living arrangements, and is geared specifically towards parents who do not necessarily have equal amounts of time with the children.
What Every Child Would Like His Parents to Know, Lee Salk M.D. Dr. Salk was the director of pediatric psychology at Cornell Medical Center. From his experience working with emotionally disturbed people, he has seen the benefits of taking preventive measures while children are still young. The book is meant to help parents ease their children’s emotional problems.
Loving Your Child is Not Enough., Samalin, Nancy
Viking, 1987. Samalin is a mother and counselor who draws on her own experiences to teach other parents alternatives to yelling, threatening and criticizing their children. She provides numerous examples of caring, effective ways to discipline and communicate with children.
Second Chances: Men, Women and Children A Decade After Divorce, Wallerstein, J., and S. Blakeslee.
Surviving the Breakup, How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce, Wallerstein, J. and J. Kelley.
Sharing Parenthood After Divorce, Ciji Ware. The author gives her perspective as a mother who got divorced and encountered exasperating court procedures. She offers first-hand advice about ways to handle custody-sharing and thenew day-to-day adjustments that must be made in a divided household.
Co-Parenting, Miriam Galper. In this book, Miriam Galper presents co-parenting methods and anecdotes gathered from friends, family, professionals, and her own experience. She asserts her ideas about the benefits of parents sharing their children equally.
Divorce is the Pits, So Stop Digging, J. Muha and M. Vernon. This self-help program is designed to be used by divorcing parents on their own or as part of a group. Videotape and workbook also available from Looking Glass Productions; 116 Defense Highway, Ste. 210; Annapolis, MD, 21401.
A Guide for Single Parents, Kathryn Hallett.
Celestial Arts,1975. Hallett stresses the importance of moving on after the end of a marriage (as a result of divorce or the death of a spouse), and of starting a new life. The author examines the feelings associated with being single and the change that comes with this new identity.
How to Survive Your Adolescent’s Adolescence , Kolodny, Robert C. Nancy J. Kolodny, Thomas Bratter, Cheryl Deep. This handbook teaches parents how to take preventive measures to influence teens in a positive way and reduce the possibility of self-destructive behavior. It covers topics ranging from sex and drugs to eating problems and suicide.
Domestic Violence Resources
Book suggestion: Managing Your Divorce: A Guide for Battered Women. Provided by the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, 1998. This book is available by calling, 800-527-3223 or by visiting the website: www.ncjfcj.org/content/blogcategory/256/302/
Information and resources related to domestic violence at: www.stopfamilyviolence.org
Find information specifically for managing your divorce after domestic violence: www.stopfamilyviolence.org/info/custody-abuse/case-prep/managing-your-divorce-a-guide-for-battered-women
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 800-537-2238
Resource Center on Domestic Violence: Child Protection and Custody 800-527-3223
Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.fvpf.org
Oregon websites on marriage, divorce and family law
This is a website for the Oregon courts. It contains information on parent education, parenting plans and general information about family law in Oregon.
This site helps direct you to Oregon family law resources in your county as well as self-help forms.
This site provides information on Conciliation Services in Washington County, Oregon.
This site offers the Department of Child Support’s parenting plan video.
This site is provides by the Family Law Assistance Program which is for self-represented parties in family cases. It also offers information on a variety of issues like; custody, legal definitions of different types of custody, etc.
Sites for Step Families
Support and networking for step families by The American Step Family Institute.
This site by the National Stepfamily Resource Center offers information on resources, programs, services and information about laws and policy.
This site offers information and resources about step families and the challenges that they face. It is provided by Step Families of America.
This site has tips to create healthy step families provided by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Search on this site, “NF212” to read an article called “Supporting Stepfamilies.” Also search “NF223” to find an article called, “Supporting Stepfamilies: What Do Children Feel?”
This site is geared towards supporting the relationship and ideas for step-mothers and original mothers.
This site offers message boards and chat rooms for step families to support one another. This site is provided by Step family Association of America.
This website deals with co-parenting issues, divorce, family law, dealing with exes, marriage, etc. It also provides tips, advice, and much more.
Single Parent Sites
This site helps single dads and moms connect with other single parents and get connected to resources.
This offers information and resources about divorce, child custody and child support. It also offers an on-line community.
This site offers chat rooms, links, book recommendations, social-dating connections etc.
This is a social networking site for single parents to form community with other single parents.
This site is for parents that have never been married. It is provided by Children’s Rights Council.
Oregon Prescription Assistance
Oregon Prescription Drug Program http://www.oregon.gov/OHA/OPDP/index.shtml or give 211 a call (or search on their new website: www.211info.org).